Of Fires and Felonies
by Raven-Leigh
Summary: Reno torches the Turks' office.  What will they do?


There were many things that incited the potential destruction of ShinRa property. Sometimes it was vandalism by people that didn't really care too much for the company, and other times it was an accident. Horrible, horrible accidents, mind you. Deplorable, inexplicable, horrendous accidents dealing with fire bombs and a fiery-haired Turk could only be blamed on two things: boredom and a need to do something in a short period of time. Combined, they were both deadly, deadly factors that could destroy an entire continent.

Sprawled across a certain new mahogany desk belonging to one the red-head usually deemed 'rookie', he was doing something that was rather normal for him. He was playing with something he really shouldn't have been, which was a direct indication that he enjoyed what he was doing at the moment. Poking at the half-broken fuse of the fire bomb, Reno smirked with utter delight as it bounced back every time he pressed on it. "Goes in…comes out…goes in…comes out…goes in…" He barely acknowledged two sets of footsteps that got closer and closer. One of the owners of a set of footsteps was talking about something, likely another mission they were to go on. The other person was simply nodding (yes, the well-seasoned veteran of the gestures of Rude could tell a nod from a shake of the head with his back turned!). Both people suddenly halted completely; he could tell he had a very captive audience at that point.

Tseng scowled at Reno, picking the coffee pot up that was nearby off of the burner to fill his favorite mug. "Should you really be doing that, Reno? What if it goes off?"

"It won't go off. I know what I'm doing, Tseng!"

"Should you be doing it on Elena's desk?" The deep sound of Rude's voice filled the small cubicle, indicating to Reno that the larger man must've really been worried about something. What, did they think he was an amateur or something?! The audacity! The travesty! He gave the bomb one final poke as Elena stepped up to the door to tell Tseng something. Pausing, she stared at Reno as his face turned red. The little contraption in front of him started to sway back and forth, faster, faster, faster. Suddenly, Reno screeched and dove at the floor.

"HIT THE DECK!"

In amongst the expletives and squeaks of exclamation, Reno vaguely felt himself hit something hard and solid, and then realized he'd thrown himself right back onto the desk that he'd meant to dive off of. No, that couldn't be right… OH! Rude had knocked him back onto the desk as the large man dove under his own. Tseng was nowhere to be seen either, he noti-KABOOM!

The deafening sound of exploding fire and shrapnel hitting the walls completely amazed Reno. Sure, he'd been in several explosions, but this one was more interesting. See, the debris went right over his roost. Sure, he got a nice burn, but he had a front-seat show to orange and red flaring all around him, shortly before a white wash of a suds-looking substance swept through the general vicinity. Then all was quiet and calm, except for a shriek of anger that came from the door.

"Reno, I'm going to kill you!" Elena glared at the young red-head through the ruins of her former-office as he lay upon the smoldering desk. It was quite obvious where the white spray had come from, and that she was trying to restrain herself from beating him to death with the fire extinguisher. However, Reno could barely see straight, much less acknowledge the woman's violent tendencies; after all, he was already thinking about his way out, anyway… The fiery-headed one started thinking out his narrative as he stared at the ceiling. _It'd started out in a rather peculiar manner; Reno had been sitting at his own desk, pondering the fate of the world should he forget Rufus's birthday and crash BOOM, the Turk department exploded!_ Okay…so maybe it didn't happen that way, but it was worth a shot. Reno groaned as he tried to slide off of the crisp mahogany furniture; his head was spinning, and he wasn't just seeing chocobos. He saw angry little Rufus's dancing around his head, and that didn't please the red-head at all. Suddenly, he realized it wasn't little Rufus's but an irate Rufus standing beside Elena outside in the hallway.

Rufus looked as if he could've murdered the entire department. "Explain… Just what happened, Reno? And I swear, if this has something to do with the temple monkey again, I'm going to have you flayed and your hide tacked up on my wall as a warning to those in training that would potentially incite my wrath." Sure, it didn't seem like something that Rufus himself would say, but it worked as enough motivation for Reno to slide up to his feet, avoiding the fire still burning on the charred ceiling tiles. Looking around, he wondered just who else had been fortunate enough to see the show his happy trick let off. He heard coughing from a pile of rubble not too far away.

"RUDE! Man, you look awful. What've you been doing, big guy?"

Rude stood up slowly from the pile of debris that had been his rolling chair and desk, glaring at Reno through the frames of what had been his sunshades. "…" Reno was halfway tempted to run, but on the other side, a groan was emitted from around where the coffee pot had been. Tseng and his rather frazzled sheet of long hair emerged from the plastic and brown muck. He was still holding the handle of his shattered coffee cup in a death grip as well. Reno never knew a Wutainese man could glare so hatefully.

"Reno… I'm going to kill you." A tiny piece of ceramic chipped off of the little ring of the former-coffee mug and pattered on the man's boot. "It's 8:00 A.M. I haven't had coffee. Shouldn't you be running?"

Reno held his hands up, backing away from both men, stammering for an explanation. "You know how volatile they are! I mean, it could've blown up on ANYONE. I wasn't going to activate it in here! I just wanted to see what I could do with it." He saw no signs of sympathy from the faces around him. Though, he did see a little bit of amusement in Rufus's. "I like playing with fire?" No help. "It was for Rufus's birthday?" Still no sympathy from those around him; he was helpless. "I mean I-"

Tseng locked one of those death glares on him that he usually reserved for scaring abductees and fugitives; Reno suddenly realized how Tseng kept his job for so long: the glare worked very well for making people squirm.

"What do you think we're going to do for an office? What about our paperwork? Everything is crispy, and the stuff that's not crispy stinks to high and holy heaven thanks to you!" Tseng threw the handle of his beloved mug at Reno, chuckling with dark satisfaction as it plinked off of his forehead.

Rubbing the spot that the glass left, Reno put on a firm sulk. "Hey, I can handle this. What, you think I don't plan ahead for disaster and stuff? What is it they always say? Constant vigilance? I got it covered, man. Completely and utterly covered. I swear. Yeah." _Please don't lock me in the ShinRa labs and let Hojo do funny things to me…_

"You idiot, that's not our policy. That's a line from a Harry Potter book. Just what do you think you're going to be able to do for a department of secret agents? Work out of your apartment?"

The light bulb formed over Reno's head almost instantaneously. Or maybe it was just the flickering of the only light bulb that hadn't been heated to bursting. "I'll work out of my apartment! And I can set up space for all of us! That way, we can work while the department is being finished!"

Tseng looked only mildly impressed and that was probably partly from a knock on the head he'd sustained in the blast. "That's all fine and good, but how big is your apartment again?"

"Hey, I get paid a Turk's salary. It's big enough for at least five people to sit around and sign stuff in, okay? Plus I got two beds and a sofa in case someone's gotta sleep over and plenty of floor space. Only one shower, though. And I don't share clothes." Tseng wondered if he'd lost his mind. Why was he entertaining this idea?

"What do you three think of this?" Tseng turned to look at Rude, Rufus, and Elena.

Elena got a wicked look on her face. "I say we should hang him up over his own bathtub and drain his body. We can plant it somewhere to frame one of our enemies or something."

Rude just fixed Reno with a very solid glare. "I think we should garnish his wages."

Rufus snorted. "What good would that do? He can get his whores and booze free or on tab, probably. No use doing that. Besides, that's not good enough to cover the expenses. If he doesn't eat well, he'll do a crappy job in the office, wherever that may be." The blonde one pulled his sleeve up, looking at his wristwatch. "Do whatever. Just make sure it gets done, or else." He shot Reno one of those looks that always made him flinch before swishing off, Dark Nation trotting right after him.

The other three Turks turned and fixed their gazes upon the beloved red-head. "So. What time you want to set up your desk at your apartment, Reno?"

"Er, now is fine."

"That's a very good answer, fire boy. Get your keys, dumbass. We're going shortly after we find a spare desk and something to work on." Tseng smirked wickedly at Reno as the young man deflated. "Look at it this way. You can work in your pajamas now, can't you?"

"Whatever." Reno cast a moped up look toward the remains of his own desk before pulling his keys out of his pocket to jingle in a nervous fashion. _This is __so__ going to suck._


End file.
